I can't get enough of this little boy! I love everything about him. He loves milk, he loves to sleep, and he loves to be silly and make us laugh. Everyday we are seeing his little personality come out even more and we are learning that he is funny and likes to be silly. If he stops being silly that means he is ready for sleep and he lays down and goes to sleep. He doesn't like being rocked anymore, he likes his crib to go so to sleep and I usually do not hear anything from him until morning. I wish Abigail would take notice and learn from him. He loves his brothers but I think the jury is still out with the sister and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I would love to have another baby if I could guarantee that he or she would be as good as him. Such a funny, sweet, maniac of child that I love.

My Abby Rae!!! She is so hard and frustrating and is so two years old almost three. She has given me more gray hair than my two oldest. She gets into everything, she silently screams at me (which is hilarious), beats up on all three of her brothers, and she eats horrible food and never eats the good stuff that I fix her. But, I love her and her daddy loves her even more. She loves him just as much as he loves her. She hates to see him disappointed in her and she will do what he says and she gives him kisses after kisses and hugs on him all day long. I love the relationship that they have and am so grateful that they have it. I did not have a great relationship with my dad until about a year before I moved to California so I  love that they have an amazing relationship and I think it will stay that way, at least I hope. She is such a smart beautiful girl that is going to excede in everything challenge that is thrown at her. In a month and a half I am going to have to let go and out her on a bus to go to preschool and it is killing me to think about her so far away from me. I know it is the right thing to do but I am so very scared for her. I know that she will excede their expectations because she has since day one with her hearing loss, but I am still her mother and I am still scared for her.

There are not enough words for my two crazy, sweet boys that sit in the back of the van. Benji is my Captain America want to be, that would rather be an orange frog than a boy. The obssession continues and gets stronger every day. His teacher Ms. Oliveira is actually just a subsitute for the real teacher that has been on maternity leave. Her last day is Wednesday and we are sad at our house. She was so good with Benji and I dare say that he is her favorite. We have driven by the school a couple times during recess and she is literally playing ball with just him. So sweet to see a teacher take such an interest in your kid. I will be interested to see how he does with the switch because he does not do well with change. I am sure he will be fine but there is fear int the unknown.

Dakota is my brave boy. He has been to the dentist two times and has to go one more time and they have done tons and he just sits there and lets them do what they need to and is so good and brave. His dentist says that he needs to show some of the adults how to sit still so he can work in their mouth. My kids are in trouble with teeth because of genetics and no I am not the best at brushing teeth but with every kid I get better. Dakota is such a sweet kid but he is six and the back talking has begun and the eye rolling but he is still helpful and will do anything I ask him to.

Leo is up in Auburn and we are trying to adjust to the commute and the gas increase. We both cannot wait until he gets his own store to run and make desicions for. This is a test for him and we can feel that is a hard one and that maybe the reason he is there is that I have more peace of mind that he is really close to Abby while she is at school. That is really the only thing that makes sense of why he is there because career wise it is not benefiting him. It is testing my patience particularly and it is hard for me to accept the ways of the world when it is the way it is at this store. I miss the 4 mile commute, and I miss seeing him sometimes when I need a burger fix.

I love my life!! I love my kids and I most especially love my husband and I would go anywhere that he would ask me to go. I have been rather homesick lately and really missing my family and sisters. I don't see my brother often enough and I wanted to be there so very bad when my sister had her baby. I feel like I took advantage while I lived close to them and now that I am far away I am sad and miss them. I want my kids to know them and know their kids and I want to be a bigger part of their life. Maybe someday I will get the closeness that I have always thought I wanted.

My Mother

I am going to try to do the impossible task and write a post about my Mom. Every 21st of December is a special day because it is my Mom's birthday. Every year I want to give her everything that she has given me, and every year I fail horribly!!! There are so many things to say about my Mom and that is why this an impossible task. It is so hard being so far away from home and my mom and I do get a little home sick around Christmas time and that is because Christmas is a special time in our family. Steve keeps the belief in our family either that or he has all us fooled into thinking that he does. My mom made Christmas THE most special holiday in our family and I think that it is because it is so important. Jesus Christ had to come to earth ad gain a mortal body so we could all return to our Heavenly Father so I think that is why my Mom made it so special, it is the most important.

My mom is the best at everything, all the way in California she provides half our Christmas. My mom is an amazing cook ad I miss her fried chicken!! My mom is awesome at taking care of my children. She bonds with them so well with out making me feel like I am not doing a good job raising them. She never hesitates to help with anything and comes running right whe you need her. She is human and I know she needs to slow down. I am so grateful to have her in my life and to have a good relationship with her, it was not always that way and I hated the way that I treated her but am also grateful that it helped us grow so that we have the relationship that we have now. I miss my mom and her hugs and her tears when I am hurting and her laughs when we are being silly and her accents that she tries to do and her willingness to play Just Dance because my kids wanted her to. I hope that somewhere in my future I will live closer so that I can learn even more from my mom. I hope when I grow up that I can be half the mom that I have!!! Happy Birthday to the most awesome mom!!

I have always enjoyed baking, not so much cooking but baking I really enjoy. If someone else would clean up after me it would be even better but you know this is not a perfect world! I love baking with my little girl and I think she loves it just as much as I do. I have been looking for a good chocolate chip cookie recipe and so Abby and I decided to try this one out that was on the back of the Ghiradelli Chocolate chip package. Because if the name I figured it had to be good. We had so much fun baking together and she was so good at putting things in and then cleaning up and then making another mess and then cleaning that up, I think she will be a great baker someday. Well, the recipe ended up not being that good and I think we ate two and they are still sitting on the counter. Not even Leo would eat them so back to the drawing board. Leo tried his hand at his own recipe and we just won't talk about that attempt. I love my husband and his creativity! We have been trying to stay busy and keep our mind off of Mom and her ever going pain that is slowly, slowly, slowly getting better. I love my kids and their willingness to help their lame mom. I am so lucky!

They are leaving....it is like they have a life back home or something...like an autistic son, 2 annoying chihuahuas, and a house to take care of. It is so selfish for me to want them to stay longer and I know that they need to go home but it is so scary knowing that I will not have that safety net anymore. I would rather have a baby than do this again. I am still so tired and get worn out so easy and I hurt still so knowing that I have to take care of 4 small children while my husband works is really scaring me. It is times like these that I wonder why I moved so far away from my parents and the rest of my family. But then it all comes rushing back as to why and I understand that it is Heavenly Father's plan mine. This is just one more trial and one more test and one more hard thing to overcome and I hope that the time will go fast and that I will be able to be the bionic woman that everyone is expecting (because of the metal in me). I am hoping and praying for that day and it will come but not next week nor the week after. I am so grateful for both my parents and the help and the relationships they have formed with my children. Three out of my four kids think they are going to go home with Grandma and they are going to be some disappointed kids in a couple days. I have the best parents EVER!!! Idaho I guess you can have them back now :(

I had an amazing opportunity this week and I am so grateful to my parents for being here so I could go!! Right before my surgery, Abigail's hearing teacher invited me to go see Rachel Coleman (creator of signing time) with her but it was 5 days after surgery so I was not able to go. I was so upset and felt like I had missed a huge opportunity to see her and to hear her. So Monday I got a call from Amanda saying that Rachel Coleman was doing a conference in downtown Sacramento at the State Education Building and she could bring someone and that I was the first person that she thought of. I was beyond excited for the chance to go and see her. It was so amazing. They had deaf and hard of hearing kids from the San Juan Unified School District do a little presentation and it was so incredible to see older kids that have the same things that Abigail has and to see them succeed and be in the world and be so smart and good at everything. It gives me so much hope for my little girl and that there is help out there.

Then Rachel Coleman spoke and her story is truly amazing and inspiring. To take a disability and make it so much easier for the rest of us to help our deaf children is so awesome. She told her story beginning to end and it was amazing to hear how hard she fought for Leah and made it that much better for everyone after her. Things are still not the greatest but they are a whole lot better now than it was. Her story is truly inspiring and amazing and I am so grateful for the experience and I hope that I can be as good of mom to mine as she is to hers. I will never forget that experience!

As far as life goes it is getting better. My last post was a moment of weakness and apologize if it was at all whiny. It really was for the purpose of reminding how much better life is in the present and how far I have come in a short amount of time.

I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. My kids keep me going and my mom and her camera and capturing such precious pictures of my kids. I love the personality she catches in her pictures of my children. Abigail has an amazing personality and she is so silly and funny and keeps all of us laughing and amazes all of us at how smart she is. She is talking so much and she is working with a speech therapist every week and it has made huge improvements on her talking. She loves the teacher and they have so much fun together, I love watching her learn new words and sentences. She copies everything and it is so cute to watch.

Hobie is going to have a hard time when grandma leaves. He loves her so much and I hope that he readjusts to me after she leaves. He loves to explore everything and loves to put everything in his mouth. Grandma had a surprise changing his diaper the other day, who knew a red button could end up poop covered in a diaper. He loves his buttons. We have to watch that kid. He loves his pears and his peaches and loves to take quesidillas from his sister. He is quite photographable and looks really cute with his new hair cut. he reminds me of  a lizard because his tongue is always out of his mouth. Silly Hobiekins!!

Benjamin, sorry it is Benji is our big Kindergartener and loves it. He jumps out of bed every morning to go to school. He is really good friends with the kid in a wheel chair in his class and I love that he does not care that he is in a wheel chair. He thinks he is so cool and told me he was sad the other day because Noah had to go home early and he was bummed that he was gone during recess. Benji loves to do his homework and does it all in one day and wants to do more. He is so smart and loves to tell stories. He tells us stories all day and tells us where he has been and where he wants to go and has a crazy imagination. I wish I could go to as many places as Benji. He loves to play with Hobie and I love to watch them play together and I love how Hobie lights up when Benji is around. I love me so me sibling loves!

Dakota, there is not enough time to say all the things about Dakota. He is a busy 1st grader. He holds the door open for everyone after school, every day. Even the principal noticed and said something to Leo about it. He is such a good helper and I can see that he just keeps getting more and more helpful the older he gets. He cleans up the table for dinner and makes his bed and cleans up toys and then asks if he can do anything else to help clean up. I am so grateful for his helpful personality and I am going to need that for the next couple of months.

Leo is going back to work next week and of course his first days back will be down in Huntington Beach for 2nd Man's Conference so my parents are staying until he gets home. I am so grateful they are willing to stay.I could not imagine this all by myself for days at a time. I wish I could sneak in his luggage and go with him, that would be so nice to have a little vacation but I know that is not going to happen for a long time.

I am slowly gaining muscle back in my leg and I am walking better. Today I told my mom that I felt live a penguin when I walk and Abigail proved be doing the sign name for penguin when she saw me walking. It is slowly getting better and I walk around the house without my cane and it is not too bad. It feels amazing to step down and have my hip feel so strong, that is something that I have never really experienced and I am excited to for what is to come when I am back 100 %. Life is good and I am grateful for all the support and I am at the light and the end of the tunnel and I am ready to go beyond it.

There are no pictures for this post because no one really wants to see me right now anyway and I figured everyone would understand. This is a whine post and this is just probably more for memories and letting myself remember just how painful this whole thing has been. That is the only word I can use. I have had so much pain in my life but this is just topping it off to be the worst. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end, but in the moment it is so painful. My doctor truly is amazing and I love that he did the surgery but at the same time I miss the personal side of Dr. Meier who would do anything to make sure that I am comfortable, whereas this doctor will make sure that I won't get addicted. I want myself to rememeber how much pain I am experiencing so that the next go around (hopefully years later) I will be more mentally prepared for how painful it really is.

I have the best husband in the world and he has been by my side doing anything and everything that I have needed and has hepled me through some pretty rough times. He is so supportive and wears whatever I am feeling on his face, if I was in pain you could tell he was trying to take it away and bear it for me. I know I can make it through eternity with him, there are no doubts. I love my husband and his kindness and patience and empathy for my situation.

My mother is also one that has been Hobie's second mother. Those two are two peas in a pod and I love watching those two together and I am so grateful for her and her ginormous sacrifice to be here so long and she also wants to bear some of the pain and has cried along side with me. Sometimes that is what you need is someone to cry with you and to help you talk through and try to make sense of the world when you are hurting so bad. I love my mother more than I can express and I love hanging out with her and I am glad that she is seeing this resolved after many years of pain.

I have a great support team of siblings and especially Steph who will answer questions that we have and be a great relay to Dr. Meier and I think that keeps me more sane to know that if I have questions, they will get answered. I know all of my siblings would do anything and everything for me if I asked and I am so grateful for that!!

Life is painful, so so painful and I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is so very faint right now and I am hoping that the next week will bring less pain and more mobility instead of pain and tears and scary dreams.

Thanks for letting me get my deep dark secrets out so I can be more prepared for next time and maybe in a couple days I will be a little brighter.....we will see.