I have always enjoyed baking, not so much cooking but baking I really enjoy. If someone else would clean up after me it would be even better but you know this is not a perfect world! I love baking with my little girl and I think she loves it just as much as I do. I have been looking for a good chocolate chip cookie recipe and so Abby and I decided to try this one out that was on the back of the Ghiradelli Chocolate chip package. Because if the name I figured it had to be good. We had so much fun baking together and she was so good at putting things in and then cleaning up and then making another mess and then cleaning that up, I think she will be a great baker someday. Well, the recipe ended up not being that good and I think we ate two and they are still sitting on the counter. Not even Leo would eat them so back to the drawing board. Leo tried his hand at his own recipe and we just won't talk about that attempt. I love my husband and his creativity! We have been trying to stay busy and keep our mind off of Mom and her ever going pain that is slowly, slowly, slowly getting better. I love my kids and their willingness to help their lame mom. I am so lucky!

They are leaving....it is like they have a life back home or something...like an autistic son, 2 annoying chihuahuas, and a house to take care of. It is so selfish for me to want them to stay longer and I know that they need to go home but it is so scary knowing that I will not have that safety net anymore. I would rather have a baby than do this again. I am still so tired and get worn out so easy and I hurt still so knowing that I have to take care of 4 small children while my husband works is really scaring me. It is times like these that I wonder why I moved so far away from my parents and the rest of my family. But then it all comes rushing back as to why and I understand that it is Heavenly Father's plan mine. This is just one more trial and one more test and one more hard thing to overcome and I hope that the time will go fast and that I will be able to be the bionic woman that everyone is expecting (because of the metal in me). I am hoping and praying for that day and it will come but not next week nor the week after. I am so grateful for both my parents and the help and the relationships they have formed with my children. Three out of my four kids think they are going to go home with Grandma and they are going to be some disappointed kids in a couple days. I have the best parents EVER!!! Idaho I guess you can have them back now :(

I had an amazing opportunity this week and I am so grateful to my parents for being here so I could go!! Right before my surgery, Abigail's hearing teacher invited me to go see Rachel Coleman (creator of signing time) with her but it was 5 days after surgery so I was not able to go. I was so upset and felt like I had missed a huge opportunity to see her and to hear her. So Monday I got a call from Amanda saying that Rachel Coleman was doing a conference in downtown Sacramento at the State Education Building and she could bring someone and that I was the first person that she thought of. I was beyond excited for the chance to go and see her. It was so amazing. They had deaf and hard of hearing kids from the San Juan Unified School District do a little presentation and it was so incredible to see older kids that have the same things that Abigail has and to see them succeed and be in the world and be so smart and good at everything. It gives me so much hope for my little girl and that there is help out there.

Then Rachel Coleman spoke and her story is truly amazing and inspiring. To take a disability and make it so much easier for the rest of us to help our deaf children is so awesome. She told her story beginning to end and it was amazing to hear how hard she fought for Leah and made it that much better for everyone after her. Things are still not the greatest but they are a whole lot better now than it was. Her story is truly inspiring and amazing and I am so grateful for the experience and I hope that I can be as good of mom to mine as she is to hers. I will never forget that experience!

As far as life goes it is getting better. My last post was a moment of weakness and apologize if it was at all whiny. It really was for the purpose of reminding how much better life is in the present and how far I have come in a short amount of time.

I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. My kids keep me going and my mom and her camera and capturing such precious pictures of my kids. I love the personality she catches in her pictures of my children. Abigail has an amazing personality and she is so silly and funny and keeps all of us laughing and amazes all of us at how smart she is. She is talking so much and she is working with a speech therapist every week and it has made huge improvements on her talking. She loves the teacher and they have so much fun together, I love watching her learn new words and sentences. She copies everything and it is so cute to watch.

Hobie is going to have a hard time when grandma leaves. He loves her so much and I hope that he readjusts to me after she leaves. He loves to explore everything and loves to put everything in his mouth. Grandma had a surprise changing his diaper the other day, who knew a red button could end up poop covered in a diaper. He loves his buttons. We have to watch that kid. He loves his pears and his peaches and loves to take quesidillas from his sister. He is quite photographable and looks really cute with his new hair cut. he reminds me of  a lizard because his tongue is always out of his mouth. Silly Hobiekins!!

Benjamin, sorry it is Benji is our big Kindergartener and loves it. He jumps out of bed every morning to go to school. He is really good friends with the kid in a wheel chair in his class and I love that he does not care that he is in a wheel chair. He thinks he is so cool and told me he was sad the other day because Noah had to go home early and he was bummed that he was gone during recess. Benji loves to do his homework and does it all in one day and wants to do more. He is so smart and loves to tell stories. He tells us stories all day and tells us where he has been and where he wants to go and has a crazy imagination. I wish I could go to as many places as Benji. He loves to play with Hobie and I love to watch them play together and I love how Hobie lights up when Benji is around. I love me so me sibling loves!

Dakota, there is not enough time to say all the things about Dakota. He is a busy 1st grader. He holds the door open for everyone after school, every day. Even the principal noticed and said something to Leo about it. He is such a good helper and I can see that he just keeps getting more and more helpful the older he gets. He cleans up the table for dinner and makes his bed and cleans up toys and then asks if he can do anything else to help clean up. I am so grateful for his helpful personality and I am going to need that for the next couple of months.

Leo is going back to work next week and of course his first days back will be down in Huntington Beach for 2nd Man's Conference so my parents are staying until he gets home. I am so grateful they are willing to stay.I could not imagine this all by myself for days at a time. I wish I could sneak in his luggage and go with him, that would be so nice to have a little vacation but I know that is not going to happen for a long time.

I am slowly gaining muscle back in my leg and I am walking better. Today I told my mom that I felt live a penguin when I walk and Abigail proved be doing the sign name for penguin when she saw me walking. It is slowly getting better and I walk around the house without my cane and it is not too bad. It feels amazing to step down and have my hip feel so strong, that is something that I have never really experienced and I am excited to for what is to come when I am back 100 %. Life is good and I am grateful for all the support and I am at the light and the end of the tunnel and I am ready to go beyond it.

There are no pictures for this post because no one really wants to see me right now anyway and I figured everyone would understand. This is a whine post and this is just probably more for memories and letting myself remember just how painful this whole thing has been. That is the only word I can use. I have had so much pain in my life but this is just topping it off to be the worst. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end, but in the moment it is so painful. My doctor truly is amazing and I love that he did the surgery but at the same time I miss the personal side of Dr. Meier who would do anything to make sure that I am comfortable, whereas this doctor will make sure that I won't get addicted. I want myself to rememeber how much pain I am experiencing so that the next go around (hopefully years later) I will be more mentally prepared for how painful it really is.

I have the best husband in the world and he has been by my side doing anything and everything that I have needed and has hepled me through some pretty rough times. He is so supportive and wears whatever I am feeling on his face, if I was in pain you could tell he was trying to take it away and bear it for me. I know I can make it through eternity with him, there are no doubts. I love my husband and his kindness and patience and empathy for my situation.

My mother is also one that has been Hobie's second mother. Those two are two peas in a pod and I love watching those two together and I am so grateful for her and her ginormous sacrifice to be here so long and she also wants to bear some of the pain and has cried along side with me. Sometimes that is what you need is someone to cry with you and to help you talk through and try to make sense of the world when you are hurting so bad. I love my mother more than I can express and I love hanging out with her and I am glad that she is seeing this resolved after many years of pain.

I have a great support team of siblings and especially Steph who will answer questions that we have and be a great relay to Dr. Meier and I think that keeps me more sane to know that if I have questions, they will get answered. I know all of my siblings would do anything and everything for me if I asked and I am so grateful for that!!

Life is painful, so so painful and I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is so very faint right now and I am hoping that the next week will bring less pain and more mobility instead of pain and tears and scary dreams.

Thanks for letting me get my deep dark secrets out so I can be more prepared for next time and maybe in a couple days I will be a little brighter.....we will see.

Tuesday we went to the In-n-Out Softball games. The last time we did this I was pregnant with Ben and it was one of the hottest summers ever and I was a little scared to brave this by myself with 4 children.They changed up the format of how they run the games now so it was so much more fun and less stressful. It is not really family friendly because they really are hard core softball players but we really had a good time. It was a double elimination so as soon as they lost twice they were done. Leo was a little late (sorry honey) and they lost the first game but the second they totally trampled them so

Our little In-n-Out cup!!





Hobie in Grandpa's hat.Thank goodness or else he would have been a lobster!!


Like his Mom and Dad!!





Hobie sits up all be himself!! What happened to my snuggly baby???





Yes...Dave is my other son!! We love SUPER DAVE!!

Abigail's favorite thing to get into is mommy's make up and actually uses it more than I do.I think she does an amazing job for only being 2!

You can't really see it but Abigail got a hold of a pair of scissors and attacked the dog. She actually cut his ear with really dull scissors...crazy girl!!

I love my happy chubby baby!!!

He reminds me of a Komoda Dragon in this picture.Hobie has the BEST smile!!

Dakota and Mrs. Carle

He loves his teacher and I think she is going to miss him.

Dakota, Adi, Mascee,Benjamin

The boys and their girls!!

There are no words!!

Still no words!!

I love my little girl!!
I love my family so very much and I am using that as an excuse as why I have not blogged. Or I could use the excuse that our computer died, which it did along with all my cute pictures of my family. I am sure we can rescue them and I will I am just to dumb to figure out how to get the hard drive out!!

Life has been fun and full and busy and full of laughs and some tears that are happy and some for some struggles! Everyone has them but for me they make me cry and that is who I am and I am done being ashamed...my eyes leak...a lot!!

My first born has now graduated from Kindergarten and I could not be more proud of him and the work that he has done. He is one of the younger kids in his class but he is a smart kid and learns fast. Just another thing that I can put on his list that makes him absolutely amazing! I love my Dakota and all of his many awesome things that he does.

Benjamin also graduated from preschool and I will post those pictures when I get them off the hard drive. He is my shy guy but I am so proud of the things that he has accomplished also. He is so good at learning and he is going into Kindergarten much better prepared than Dakota and i am so excited to watch him grow emotionally. I never worried about Dakota because he is so good with others but Benji is different and struggles more with that but I am excited to see what Kindergarten teaches him. He is a sweet kid and his preschool teacher loves him and the other day she spent the whole day with him making a frog book. I love that she took the time to get to get to know my son and his loves in life. I will miss seeing her everyday. He is doing the summer program and only has 2 weeks left and my eyes are starting to leak just thinking about not seeing her every day. Benjamin is an amazing kid.

Then there is Abigail. I could say that she is 2 and that is all because everyone knows how hard it is to be around a 2 year old. I love her so much and there are so many good things that I can say. She has a very strong willed personality and I know that is how she has to be. No one pushes her around and no one is going to walk on her. She will let you know if what you are doing is something that she approves of. She cannot say many words but her version of "stop it" is very clear and says it all day long. She is amazing at sign language and she amazes me with how fast she picks it up and learns new ones all the time. She got some books for her birthday and she knows how to sign most of the things in her book and we spend hours with her signing and learning all kinds of things and that is her favorite thing to do and we love watching her and communicating with her through sign. She is also our dancer! If there is music, she is dancing! There is no shyness there and she knows how to bust a move!! There is not a day that goes by that Leo and I don't say how much we love our little girl and how truly special she really is!!

Hobie is the best baby anyone could ever want!! He sleeps great and is happy when he is awake and eats when he is hungry with little complaint and I love the chubby thighs and the chubby cheeks that I kiss and he giggles!! He is almost crawling! He rocks back and forth and has almost figured it out. He is just too smart and wants to keep up with his siblings! I have loved every minute of this kid and it makes me want more but only if I could guarantee it would be a girl and be as good as Hobie! He loves the water and doesn't ever want to get out of it and loves his momma and he is just a fun baby!!

As for Leo and I, we are chugging along, working on our house still. We got the outside stuccoed and it makes it look so much better and I am so happy to not have to look at an ugly house! I love how hard working my husband is and I am grateful that he loves doing it. We also remodeled our bathroom and I love what he did with it. If you have ever used my bathroom you would only understand. We moved the toilet to the other side and it is so much better and I love that I can get to the tub to bathe my children. I love my handy husband!!

A huge chapter in my life is coming to an end or hopefully an end in August and I have my mixed feelings about it. I am having my hip replaced two days before school starts. This is a long time coming and I know that I should be so excited or so everyone tells me that I should be but I cannot help feeling scared and worried. I have been in pain for so long and I hope that the replacement will be everything that I hope for. I hate having expectations because I hate getting disappointed. Maybe with being down after surgery I will be able to blog more....you poor people that actually read my blog will have to put up with more of my ramblings...
Maybe I will get better at writing!!